He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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