Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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