After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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