I want to have your abortion
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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