Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
