some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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