Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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