I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
