i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
