I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
