fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
