I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
