No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
