Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
