Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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