I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
