drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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