turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
