Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
