I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
