I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
