dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am available for nakedness
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
