if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
