recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
