now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
This house was built for laser tag.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
