I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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