My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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