It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
