she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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