life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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