so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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