my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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