the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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