My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
