She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
