I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Did we literally take a cab across the street
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
