Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
