I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
