I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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