woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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