two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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