I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
