note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
