So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
