pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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