yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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