i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
