and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
