I'm really into asian looking animals
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Come share oat with me in your robe
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
