Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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