i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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