I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
