I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The power of my boobs compel you
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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