I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
