I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
