Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
