Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
