i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
