Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
