It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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