I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
