dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
