I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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