I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
