Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
