I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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