All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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