so explain again why im purple
no
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
